The needy one

I sit here, contemplating my computer screen. My mind wonders off to all of the prayers that God did not answer or is yet to answer. These are the things that I do not understand, but have learned to find a peace in my heart through the love of Jesus Christ. Sounds “churchy,” but this is truly what is coming out of my heart.

Ever wonder why you did not get that promotion? Or the job that you so desperately needed to provide for your family? Now, you are sitting there—lacking every material necessity needed to thrive. If you could just get a leg up, an opportunity. This world is such a muddy place.

There are so many things that are going wrong in this world; yet there are so many aspects that are going well. I still remember the times in my life when I was suicidal. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was 9; these stopped when I turned 38. I will be 40 in a month from the date of this post.

Let that sink. An entire life suffering from depression.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had so much happiness in my life. I’ve known love, happiness, success, joy, laughter…..but I’ve also known really well the darkness.

There were days when I screamed, literally:

“Cursed be the day I was born! May the day my mother bore me not be blessed!” (Jeremiah 20:14)

God, why didn’t I see you? Why didn’t you pull me out of that trash? Why did I have to endure these things? Why did I have to see war? Why did I have to get raped? Why so much death? Why hunger? Suffering? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING!!!!!?????

But you were, and you are…

You see? God has loved us so much that he has given us choices. God did not allow my rape…someone decided to rape me. God did not make the war….we all engaged in it. Our ears have been so shut by sin, that we cannot hear His cries calling us to get out of the mess before is too late. Yet, what happens when you do call upon His name and NOTHING happens? No answers, no miracles. It is easy to forget that our ancestors chose to not trust in God, and go follow the serpent. Eve took that bite, and Adam just sat there. Then Eve gave that apple to Adam…and they both enjoyed it.

Until they did not. Because consequences suck; we must cover them up. Even if a great crime has been committed against you or someone you love (a child? a baby?)….truly think of the time when we (you) were free of sin.

The reality is that we are in a world that is dying. Look around you; we are making choices EVERY DAY. Yet, we do not want the consequences. When Lot’s daughters got him drunk, they also raped their father (oh….nobody wants to talk about women raping men, but it happens). So, why did this happen? These girls were virgins. Well, let’s put this into simple terms: they were groomed in Sodom and Gomorrah. While their family probably attempted to teach them well, we don’t know for sure, these girls still engaged with the surrounding culture. They did what they learned: evil.

In the same way: we cannot control the world AND we continue to engage in this world that tells us it is okay to do all sorts of things that go against the word of God. If God answers your prayers, you are high as a kite. If He does not answer your prayers, He isn’t listening or does not love you. If He doesn’t get you out of trouble or save your loved one from tragedy, you discount Him. But if you read the Bible and notice that something you believe in is anti-Biblical, you discount it as “not modern” and as “non applicable to these modern times.” Listen, we can toy all day with the idea that we do not need for a God. As long as we remain on that road, the corruption will continue AND we will continue to face battles that we cannot fight by ourselves. We will measure ethics and love based on how we feel.

I choose to live with the hope that Jesus came so that I could live. THAT is what has healed me from depression, suicidal thoughts, and even from caring about what people think of me. When you allow the opinion of God to be greater than that of men, you thrive. You come out of the hole. You stop fighting all the time because you know there is hope in this world.

I’m no longer exhausted. I look younger. I smile brighter. I enjoy life. And I see blessings everywhere. Rays of sunshine. The word of God warms my spirit, prepares me for battle, and asserts that I am recklessly loved.

So are you.


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